I couldn’t even muster up the strength to recap last week, not when my precious, beloved Jennifer was inexplicably SENT. HOME. Could you believe it?? I could not. I COULD NOT. In related news: Ben is dead to me. But alas, the show continued and this week they sailed on my ocean of tears to the exotic locale of Panama City.
The first date card arrives and the one-on-one date is for Kacie B. Ok, real talk: Ben and Kacie B. are perfect together. If he has to scorn my beloved Jennifer, he should at least go for the only other respectable candidate, the ever-bubbly Kacie B. The two set off in a helicopter (to quote Eric Stonestreet’s tweet, I bet these girls go into helicopter withdrawal once they leave The Bachelor) to a private island. Ben has instructed Kacie B. to bring just 3 things with her (Get it? It’s like they’re on a deserted island. Get it?). She brings a monkey, a corkscrew/knife, and a bag of candy; while Ben brings a machete, fishing net, and matches. One of them seems slightly more prepared for actual survival, but I’m sure a machete is useful too. The two have to catch/hunt/find their lunch, and all the while, Kacie B. literally never stops laughing. They bond and it’s cute. Since they are not actually on Survivor, they are later whisked away to eat a fancy real dinner so they can talk and, Ben’s favorite, “open up.” Kacie B. shares that she had an eating disorder in high school, and Ben admires her for becoming such a strong woman today. Kacie B. gets rose #1. She says that “on a scale of one to wonderful, this date was fantastic.” I have some questions about her scaling measures, but we’ll move on.
Next is the group date and Ben takes Emily, Nicki, Lindzi, Casey S., Courtney, and Jamie out to a native Panama village. The village people (sadly not The Village People) take the girls away to dress them in more festive casual wear, and hand them tiny beaded bikinis. All the girls keep their normal bikinis on under these tiny bead bikinis…all the girls, except Courtney. Of course.
Don’t worry, she was real classy about it and shimmied at a group of small tribal boys, and Ben appreciated her “getting in the spirit.” Courtney promises she’s got moves they’ve never seen, and everyone gags. After partying with the natives, the girls head back to the resort for a nicer, more clothed dinner. For the most part it’s business as usual, all the girls vie for his attention, and Courtney not so subtly mentions her a hotel room number
a few million times (spoiler alert: Ben doesn’t take her up on her offer). Later, while Jamie’s trying to pluck up the courage to kiss Ben, Courtney decides it’s the perfect time to splash around in the pool behind them, completely distracting Ben. (Side note: apparently Jamie still exists on this show?)
Emily pulls a surprise move and apologizes to Courtney, saying she’s misjudged her and she’s actually pretty cool (???). Honestly, I think Emily was just doing this to play nice and impress Ben, but Courtney was less than impressed and went on about how she could never respect Emily, and so Emily’s attempt at amends blows up in her face. Well, she tried; but you just can’t reconcile with crazy. Ben ends up giving Lindzi rose #2 for being so cool and easygoing (i.e., not crazy).
Now begins the dreaded two-on-one date. What’s that? “Two-on-one??” you say? Yes, it’s as awkward and ridiculous as it sounds. The two remaining girls—Blakeley and Rachel—are the competitors in this sudden death date: both go on the date, but only one will get a rose. So, where do you do take an awkward tri-date? Sexy salsa dancing of course! This enables Ben to dance with one of the girls, while the other girl stands inches away glaring and seething. Blakeley is all flaunt and show and Rachel’s disgusted by how overtly sexual and tacky she is (How she’s surprised by this, I’ll never know. It is Blakeley, after all). They end the date with the three of them eating together. If you thought Rachel’s one-on-one date with Ben was awkward (who didn’t?), it was nothing to this. Ben then alternates some alone time with each of the girls, during which Blakeley shows him an elaborate scrapbook she’s made of the two of them and how her love has grown, etc. etc. I can’t decide if it’s actually kind of sweet, or creepy. Either way, the three all meet back at the dinner table and Ben gives the rose to Rachel, and Blakeley literally storms out. She cries and clings and claws, but to no avail—Blakeley’s outta there and rides away back to being a VIP cocktail waitress in North Carolina.
Meanwhile, the rest of the girls are hanging out at the resort when host Chris Harrison drops by. Chris is a nocturnal Bachelor being; so if you see him out during the day, something’s up. He asks to talk to Casey S. alone, and they leave the room. For the entire episode we’ve been seeing promos for this moment with shots of Casey crying, so I am dying to know what Chris is telling Casey S.
Did a relative die? Did a test come back saying she has a terminal illness? Is her cat secretly a dog? WORSE. Chris has been informed by three different mystery people from back home (who are they??) that Casey S. may not, in fact…be truly open to love. Egad!! WHAT kind of sick monster goes on The Bachelor while still harboring feelings FOR ANOTHER MAN??!?!? I’ll tell you who: one Casey S. Her ex-boyfriend Michael broke her heart because he said he would never marry her, and Chris, ever the Bachelor detective, gently gets her to admit that she’s still in love with him, and then sums it up: “You don’t want to be in love with Michael, but you are.” Chris just really gets her, you know? Casey says it doesn’t matter, because dummy Michael won’t take her back/marry her anyway, but Chris thinks it’s time she had a talk with Ben. Basically the only thing I’ve known about Casey S. up until this point is that she is never not smiling, and she’s still eerily smiley and cheerful now as she tells Ben what’s going on; that is, until Ben tells her it’s time for her to go home. Aaaaand cue the waterworks—here’s the cause of the infamous crying shot we’ve been teased with all episode. Luckily, Chris Harrison is always there to be a protective Bachelor big brother, therapist, best friend, or shoulder to cry on at the drop of a hat. And with that, Casey S. is gone.
Even with all the craziness, there is still a cocktail party to be had, and the girls are on full throttle to make sure they’re staying. Jamie, who suddenly now in week 6 comes alive from her wallflower corpse, decides it is TIME that she marks her man and goes in for the kill and kiss Ben; but there’s a problem: “I’m really prude!” Prude Jamie shies away from actually seducing Ben, but instead tells him how she had planned to seduce him, and then demonstrates…which I guess kind of counts as seducing him? Ben is wildly taken aback (as are we all) and doesn’t really know how to take new, bizarre Sexy Jamie breaking free from Prude Jamie. Jamie explains why she’s been so reserved until now: “I don’t want to be fancy with anyone until I know them really well!” Apparently “being fancy” is the new slang for seduction. Jamie then takes it upon her to instruct Ben how to kiss and then begins the most awkward kissing scene to ever occur on The Bachelor, as she basically makes out with his closed mouth (per her instruction). Finally Ben can’t take the weird anymore and bursts out laughing and exclaims, “I can’t f***ing take you serious right now!” So much for being fancy.
The rose ceremony begins and Kacie B., Lindzi, and Rachel are already safe with roses from their dates. Ben hands out roses to Nicki and Courtney, leaving just Emily and Jamie, which I think marks the third week in a row that Emily has been in the “bottom two,” if you will. No surprise here, the rose goes to Emily, and Prude Jamie goes home. Let the lessons be learned: 1) Never get fancy with someone until you know them well, 2) and don’t you DARE come on The Bachelor without being open to love. Chris Harrison don’t take NONE of that.
Watch new episodes of The Bachelor on Mondays on ABC at 8/7c. Next week’s episode on Feb. 13 is a new episode.
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