The second episode opens with a surprise for the girls–they’re all going to Ben’s hometown of Sonoma, California for the next
petty showdown rose ceremony. They all squeal in unison, “Road trip!!” Just kidding; this isn’t some cheesy romantic comedy, this is serious. This is The Bachelor.
Apparently there is a thing called a date card that, as far as I can tell, is delivered by owl or something to the girls in their house (seriously, it’s really been a long time since I’ve watched this show). It’s fairly similar to when the girls in America’s Next Top Model get notes from Tyra. Anyway, the first date card says that Kacie B. (whom Ben literally ALWAYS refers to as Kacie B. and never just Kacie) has been chosen to go on a one-on-one date with Ben. Kacie B. is super bubbly, and is bubbling with excitement about this date (see what I did there?). The two walk around downtown Sonoma, stop in some cutesy shops, and eat at a restaurant. Kacie B. gushes, “It feels like we’re the only two people on earth right now!” That’s because you’re on The Bachelor, and they’ve probably shut down literally the entire town for filming. Then, Ben surprises her by taking her to an empty movie theater and plays home videos from her life, because that is a totally normal, non-creepy thing that all people do on first dates. Kacie B. loves it. Then they watch home videos of Ben’s life, which include his recently passed dad, and Kacie B. and Ben have some heartfelt bonding moments. Kacie B. gets rose #1.
The next day, Ben leaves a date card inviting 12 of the other girls for a group date to “come play with me!” Gross. The date includes Nicki, Blakeley, Jenna, Jennifer, Rachel, Monica, Shawn, Jaclyn, Brittney, Samantha, Jamie, and Emily. “I’ve got twelve women coming on today’s date, and that is a lot of pairs of legs.” – says Ben, and probably most serial killers. Ben takes his twelve pairs of legs to the community theater, where they’re all cast in a fairy tale play written by some local children, with characters ranging from a princess to a dragon to a weasel. Show-offy Blakeley is awesomely cast as a fully-covered gingerbread man, but naturally she spends most of the time joking about being a “sexy gingerbread man.” Gross. Samantha then begs the question, “What do you get when you cross a gingerbread man with a hooker? Blakeley!” Samantha is pretty accurate, and is my new favorite.
The girls and Ben perform the play, which is entitled Prince Pinot of Bachelorville, for some local randos. Everyone has a good time and the girls just can’t believe how great Ben is with kids; i.e., he talked to them and the kids did not run away.
Now time for The Turning Point–where the episode goes from mildly normal female interaction to conniving, ridiculous chaos. Everyone’s hanging around the pool area, and all the girls are vying for some alone time with Ben. There is a rose to be given out to one of the girls from the group date, and Blakeley has announced that she might as well take the rose right now, because it’s going to her. Subsequently, all the girls loathe her existence and Blakeley can’t figure out why. Samantha gets super fed up, and goes and cries in the bathroom until Jennifer and Jaclyn hunt her down to comfort her. Later, Jennifer pulls Ben away for some chit chat and some alone time (read: makeout time) and the two hit it off. Also, Jennifer is from OKC (my hometown) and is wonderfully normal and enjoyable; I’m so proud! If she doesn’t win this thing, I give up.
Well, nearly seconds after Jennifer and Ben get back from this second pool that apparently exists in the house, who should come up to Ben for a much more overtly seductive makeout session in front of literally everyone? Blakeley. Mostly everyone stares in disbelief that Ben can stand being her presence, gets mad, and leaves. Blakeley can’t help it; because, as she tells anyone that gets stuck listening to her, when she sees what she wants, she goes after it. Ben later pulls Blakeley aside and gives her a rose, and then I threw my TV out my window. Also during this rose-giving, he says to Blakeley, “I feel like everybody likes you!” only confirming that Ben is the actual dumbest. Naturally, when the other girls find out Blakeley got the rose, they are having none of it. Jaclyn then utters the phrase that I will probably later iron onto a t-shirt to wear while watching this show, “Blakeley is super fakely.” Incredulous, Samantha adds, “I was just surprised that a candy-striped hooker was taken seriously enough to be given a rose.” Samantha is the best. I need Jennifer to win and for Jaclyn and Samantha to just stay around for constant commentary. They are my golden trio.
Amid all this mayhem, guess who gets the second date card? None other than the other girl in the house that complains that girls always hate her because she’s pretty and a model etc.–Courtney. Courtney just…really weirds me out. She really spacey, and seems like the kind of person that would set a house on fire because she thought the colors were pretty. And she looks like she could easily be the offspring of two of the poster children for once-attractive-and-now-crazy, Janice Dickinson and Charlie Sheen.
When Kacie B. reads from the date card that Courtney was chosen for the date, Courtney creepily asks how that tasted coming out of Kacie B.’s mouth, and everyone stares at her uncomfortably. Ben takes Courtney to some secluded area in the woods so they can have a picnic and so he can see “if Courtney is too good to be true.” I mean, doesn’t she seem too good to be true? (The answer is no, she seems like the worst.) He brings along his dog, Scotch; who, in my book, is the only one that deserves a rose.
They have a romantic evening and Ben believes that Courtney is everything he’s ever wanted; i.e., a sociopath. Courtney gets rose #3. Ben is the dumbest.
Back at the house, all the girls are once again vying for Ben’s attention in a last-ditch effort to guarantee they get a rose. Blakeley decides that even though she already has a rose and is therefore safe from elimination, she should probably still spend as much time with Ben to ensure that all the other girls will shank her in her sleep. On the rare occasion that any of the girls can get Ben to themselves, Blakeley appears, and is again surprised when the girls incinerate her with laser beams from their eyes. Little Miss Sunshine Kacie B. even says, “Blakeley is freakin’ toxic.” Things are getting heated. In between rubbing her rose all over her face and laughing into glasses of wine, Courtney even notices, “It’s like a war out there.” Courtney and Blakeley start noticing the tension is aimed at the two of them, but fail to notice that none of the girls hate Kacie B., even though she got the first date. THAT’S BECAUSE KACIE B. IS A GOOD PERSON AND YOU TWO ARE THE WORST. To cap the night off, Jenna says lots of weird incoherent things to Ben, including, “I feel like I am a guy in how I act, so like, being around girls all the time, this is very abnormal to me,” even though she says and does the most stereotypically girly things I’ve ever seen. She then goes and cries in her bed because she knows she blew it (duh). Blakeley goes and huddles in a corner in the luggage room–don’t worry, she’s not crying. That would probably ruin her makeup. She just sits there and feigns surprise and embarrassment when Ben comes in to find her “upset,” (aka, desperately seeking attention). Ughhhh.
Rose ceremony goes pretty much as expected: Kacie B., Courtney, and Blakeley are all already safe with their roses; additional roses are given to Jennifer, Emily, Elyse, Jaclyn, Erika, Rachel, Lindzi, Nicki, Casey S., Samantha, Monica, Jamie, and Brittney. Notice, Jenna is gone!! She “can’t believe this is happening!!” Really? You can’t believe this is happening? She mumbles more incoherent things and we cut straight from her sobs to a promo for next week. This is both the best and worst show.
Watch new episodes of The Bachelor on Mondays on ABC at 8/7c. Next week’s episode on Jan. 16 is a new episode.